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Saturday, September 18, 2010
Give it up.
I couldn't stop.
They just kept on coming. The tears, kept flowing, and flowing.
My stupid throat wouldn't stop gasping for air.
I haven't cried this hard and long since elementary school.
It's so stupid too. I mean, if you had to come early to piano, having not have practiced at all, then having to STAY late to take a test, you wouldnt have cried this hard would you? Right, neither did I. But since you had to stay late to take a test, you're dad left to pick up your brother first. Surely you wouldnt cry at that would you? No, I was just frustrated. Then just as youre finished with your test, you see your dad pulling in to pick you up again. I felt happy. As you're opening the door, you see you dad pulling out of the driveway, preparing to leave you. You rush outside so that he can see you, but he's already driving away. Oh, and it's raining out. So you have to walk home now. I cried. I cried from the moment I walked out, cried all the way walking home in the rain, cried after I got home, locked myself in my room, and while I'm writing this blog, I'm still crying.
It was a trigger. Him leaving me, set off a bomb. Seriously, who cries this hard just because their dad didnt see them come out and left? If i was sane I'd tell them to suck it up. If i were sane, I'D suck it up.
It was the situation. A build up. My C in IR, my D in biology, my C in HAA. The fact that I have so much to do after school, when I come home, I'm exhausted. Yet, I still have to finish my homework. So I sleep late. Poms on Tuesday's and Thursdays till 6:30. Drum lessons on Tuesday's at 7. Orchesis on Wednesday till 6:30. URC from 6:45 to 8:30. Tuesday morning: sophomore board. Thursday Morning: KEY club. Friday morning: DECA.
Jackii, why are you doing so much? oh yea. STUPID FUCKING COLLEGE.
The fact that I'm stupid doesnt help either. I'm.. so mad. So mad at myself. At the world. I just want to give up. Give up friendship (why try so hard?) give up school (why try so hard?) give up meals (why eat? you're already fat) Just give up. (why try? You'll never be what you want to be)
Why can't I be smart? Why cant I be a good friend? Why can't I be not fucking short? Why can't I be better?
haha, I laugh at how dramatic I am. whatever. I just need to let this out, so i can stop crying.
Wanna compare it to your life? It might be worse, and so you can probably tell me to suck it up. I'm trying. So shut the fuck up.
There are so many things I want to say. But I'm holding them back.
Because if I don't, other people are going to be sad again.
I'm going to be sad again.